Thinking out loud

Orphanage has been going. The need does not stop. The prayer keeps rising. The patience for change is being tested. Good still.

Documentary has been going. Slowly but surely, in the most sneaky of ways it is coming together little piece by piece. 

Random encounters have been good. Keep increasing and getting more interesting as I realize the main reason for stagnant corruption in this country is a belief system based on ignorance, racism, sexism, and prejudices and a quick destruction of any thought of openness, acceptance, and fighting for change.

Nonprofit number one has been going. Translating and researching documents. The work is much, but joyfully we complete it.

Nonprofit number two has been going. Visiting schools to introduce to them our anti sexual abuse training. Writing statistical reports on program evaluations. Experience after another, thankful. 

But I am in Egypt. I have two months left. Where has the time gone and why is it going down the drain before I capture it and its every moment? I have become so busy with much work, and I realize I need to wake up and see that I am in Egypt and these moments and these seconds don't and won't come back. Home is soon approaching and this home of mine here is soon departing. I want to keep learning. I want to keep talking with strangers. I want to keep experimenting what it means to love a place and a people without the superficial, shallow, quick, short-term mindset of easy love today and kissing good bye tomorrow. Five months of service and positive optimism in this place is great but it is not sufficient. Maybe I've done a decent job so far, but I am far from understanding what it means to endure and keep going in service and selflessness without a deadline- a finish line that I see that keeps me motivated in my present. I have yet to understand what it means to work towards a long-term goal where the finish line is simply and solely when that goal is actually accomplished, not when my majesty decides to get up and leave and go back to a life of comfort and bliss. I am thankful for the experiences I have had in my life that were many but short- the multiple internships, the six months travels, the casual changes of a college semester that brought newness every short bit. But there is a time where I find a deep question mark in me: if I didn't know this season was to end soon, would I still love-serve-give-wake up and go everyday with this energy and motivation and optimism? Or would things grow weary and my energy run dry when the end isn't in sight?

These are all thoughts. 

I love being here, but I love being there too. I love them here, but I love them there too. I have indifference towards home, because home itself has become something unknown. Is it there or is it here, or is it heaven with my Jesus? I have become clueless on what I can call myself- an Egyptian, and American, or maybe just a loved child of God? I lack the knowledge of what will come next, a job, a masters, or maybe just the will of Him who made me? I can choose to live in the past with thoughts of memories, I can choose to live in the future with ambitions of tomorrow, or maybe just live today with a mind set on above? 

Maybe when I live not knowing, I actually fully depend on my Maker and such lifestyle becomes the essence of the best long-term influence, the most impact full change, the most outstanding accomplishment I seek to bring in any environment. Maybe the answer to my deep question mark is: yes. Yes I would keep going and even running, because it wouldn't be me, but Christ living in me.