Thinking out loud

Orphanage has been going. The need does not stop. The prayer keeps rising. The patience for change is being tested. Good still.

Documentary has been going. Slowly but surely, in the most sneaky of ways it is coming together little piece by piece. 

Random encounters have been good. Keep increasing and getting more interesting as I realize the main reason for stagnant corruption in this country is a belief system based on ignorance, racism, sexism, and prejudices and a quick destruction of any thought of openness, acceptance, and fighting for change.

Nonprofit number one has been going. Translating and researching documents. The work is much, but joyfully we complete it.

Nonprofit number two has been going. Visiting schools to introduce to them our anti sexual abuse training. Writing statistical reports on program evaluations. Experience after another, thankful. 

But I am in Egypt. I have two months left. Where has the time gone and why is it going down the drain before I capture it and its every moment? I have become so busy with much work, and I realize I need to wake up and see that I am in Egypt and these moments and these seconds don't and won't come back. Home is soon approaching and this home of mine here is soon departing. I want to keep learning. I want to keep talking with strangers. I want to keep experimenting what it means to love a place and a people without the superficial, shallow, quick, short-term mindset of easy love today and kissing good bye tomorrow. Five months of service and positive optimism in this place is great but it is not sufficient. Maybe I've done a decent job so far, but I am far from understanding what it means to endure and keep going in service and selflessness without a deadline- a finish line that I see that keeps me motivated in my present. I have yet to understand what it means to work towards a long-term goal where the finish line is simply and solely when that goal is actually accomplished, not when my majesty decides to get up and leave and go back to a life of comfort and bliss. I am thankful for the experiences I have had in my life that were many but short- the multiple internships, the six months travels, the casual changes of a college semester that brought newness every short bit. But there is a time where I find a deep question mark in me: if I didn't know this season was to end soon, would I still love-serve-give-wake up and go everyday with this energy and motivation and optimism? Or would things grow weary and my energy run dry when the end isn't in sight?

These are all thoughts. 

I love being here, but I love being there too. I love them here, but I love them there too. I have indifference towards home, because home itself has become something unknown. Is it there or is it here, or is it heaven with my Jesus? I have become clueless on what I can call myself- an Egyptian, and American, or maybe just a loved child of God? I lack the knowledge of what will come next, a job, a masters, or maybe just the will of Him who made me? I can choose to live in the past with thoughts of memories, I can choose to live in the future with ambitions of tomorrow, or maybe just live today with a mind set on above? 

Maybe when I live not knowing, I actually fully depend on my Maker and such lifestyle becomes the essence of the best long-term influence, the most impact full change, the most outstanding accomplishment I seek to bring in any environment. Maybe the answer to my deep question mark is: yes. Yes I would keep going and even running, because it wouldn't be me, but Christ living in me.

Somebody to lean on

Hello!

Egypt has been getting cooler, finally. I mean, yes I still sweat during the daytime, but the nights are getting cooler! THANK YOU GOD.

Orphanage:
This was the toughest week thus far being at the orphanage. Tutoring English has been great and fun, but I mentioned to the kids that they're welcome to also just talk to me about their life and how they feel. Around five girls came individually to just talk and I wasn't expecting to hear or handle what was said. The tissue box is now empty, they cried their eyes out. I never knew there was so much pain and hurt in their lives, but then again, they were brought here for a reason...

"My mom, she doesn't have much. My dad sold us, he's selling our house so he can travel and find a better life. This house was supposed to be for my siblings and I when we grow older and have families. He left us and took it. My brother, he beats my mom up because he's on drugs. He doesn't mind killing anyone, if it means he gets more drugs. My sister, she messes with every guy in our neighborhood, sleeping with different ones to get money. My little brothers, they were bullied in school and I would try to defend them, but couldn't. My mind is not able to feel anything or see any hope. I saw my own mother get beat up in the streets, and I couldn't do anything about it." 14 year old girl

"Imagine, you loved your grand father so much, and then one day, they call you and tell you what you never wanted to hear. He died. The one that took care of me all my life and made sure everything I wanted I had. He died. When he left me, my mom would bring men to our house that weren't good. They would touch me, and I wouldn't know what to do. Now I'm here, and I still find myself doing bad things when I'm in the shower. I'll take a pillow and hug it and hold it tight and kiss it. All the girls will laugh at me and it makes me feel so ashamed, so I go to the roof and hurt myself with the rocks because I feel so dirty and disgusting. I don't know how to stop, it feels like something inside me is pulling me." - ten year old girl

And more stories.

When I saw and heard it all, I couldn't help but feel two completely opposing things 1) I am sure God can provide them with the hope and healing they need! 2) This is awful. This is miserable. This is not ok! I felt I went slightly insane those days. Which is why I called on some friends and family to pray for me. You know who you are. Your skyping with me, your facebook messages, your emails. They traveled thousands of miles and comforted me. I'm not alone. There is an army of lovers standing to support and pray for these girls that are hurting.
I was praying for them and saw an image of each girl running in a field so free in the sun. So happy and joyful, no chains to bind her and no hurt or shame. Turns out, one of my friends who prayed for me (and got her roommates who don't know me to pray for the situation as well), prayed exactly for that image- running in fields of freedom. :) So it's coming. It's on its way.

On a brighter note, we were finally able to start going to the slum with the NGO that helps the handicapped. The high school girls from the orphanage really enjoyed their visit and on our way back they were brainstorming how they can help the kids they met next time they go "we should bring balloons and music!" "We should buy them candy!" We found that the older handicapped girls were learning to make jewelry, so we decided to help donate some items to them as well as help them sell their items so they can have an income. We will be going weekly :)

Also, we went out to distribute chocolate bars to strangers on the street again. One of the high school girls suggested we stop a mini bus on the street and give the driver a bar. She explained "they're always so angry and hate everything in life! We should should give them chocolate to help them feel some love." So we did just that, and everyone on the bus was starring at the girls while they gave the driver a free chocolate bar. He smiled SO big, while the passengers were in shock- not understanding what exactly is happening. :) :)


Documentary
We planned on shooting on Thursday, but by Wednesday, we didn't have the materials we needed to shoot- for example a video camera (may be helpful when making a documentary....).
One of the nonprofits I work for had a conference in a beautiful desert place two hours away from Cairo. I had planned on going Thursday then shooting on Thursday night, but the staff at the nonprofit convinced me to attend Wednesday instead of Thursday since the lectures were going to be more relevant to my age. I was really against going Wednesday, because I had other plans (like going to a mental hospital and going to a church meeting at night). Regardless, I decided to go on Wednesday to the conference after their insisting requests.

During the break at the conference, a Swedish man asked if I can help him translate while he interviewed random workers from the nonprofit and recorded them. He wanted to make a video of their work so he can send it to donors abroad. I agreed.
Mid translating, my mind thought "wait a minuteeeee....he has equipment! Maybe he can let us borrow it for tomorrow's shooting."
So I asked him, and he agreed :D and thus we had equipment 24 hours before we had planned to shoot. The funny thing is, this Swedish man was only at the conference on Wednesday!
So the next day I passed by his place and borrowed the materials, and went to the American University of Cairo where I met my team of two music technology ladies and we starting recording. Then we went back to my friend's house and interviewed more people on the street as well as her family. Awesome time!

Another crazy thing. We found out about two professional documentary makers that are making a documentary in Egypt about sexual harassment on the street, they've raised over $27,000 so far to start filming and producing their documentary- so being hopeful I decided to message them and see if we can collaborate and if we can highlight them in our documentary as people that are doing something about the issue of harassment. They agreed to meet and were really sweet about it! We will be meeting next week, inshAllah.

Randoms

So what am I learning? That friends are good to have and God is good and has a good plan.
What am I struggling with? Doing human rights work and advocacy. It may be because I don't know where to begin exactly, but all I do in regards to my human rights passion is read and read and read about abuses in Egypt and get sad.
What's happening next? Taking some time off from work for Eid and going to Zagazig (small city 2 hours away from Cairo) to spend time with family.

Thanks all for reading and being awesome!!! Love love love.